This was a post that I wrote on my blog back when I was on blogger, and for some reason it didn’t transfer over when I imported everything to wordpress:

I am the kind of person that usually tries to ignore PETA. I also usually try to ignore my two-year-old when she engages in negative behavior to try to get my attention. I also tried to ignore the stray cat that my neighbors were feeding a few years ago when it used to climb on my patio and get fur all over my patio furniture. However, eventually I trapped the cat in an animal trap and called animal control. It wasn’t too long before I started getting threatening notes on my door from my neighbors to bring their cat back. I usually try to ignore threatening notes from psychotic neighbors, but sometimes negative behavior needs to be openly mocked. For some reason, people who really love animals are hardwired to become excessively crazy whenever someone who is indifferent or hostile to animals does something they don’t agree with. More to the point, I really love chocolate. If I am with people in a setting where chocolate is being served and someone there absolutely detests chocolate, I DON’T protest. I rationally conclude that there will just be more chocolate for me. Logical neural paths such as this seem to be severely underdeveloped in the brains of people who love animals. This neural underdevelopment is what makes a group like PETA so dangerous.

People whose decisions are driven more by pathos than logos can certainly surprise you with their idiocy. For example in this article, by Eric Snider we find that PETA is looking to buy SeaWorld. That’s just great. Apparently they are going to move all of the animals to a sanctuary and hopefully return them to the wild some day. The attractions that formerly featured animals will soon feature virtual reality shows of marine life in action. Sorry PETA, but SeaWorld is an animal rights love fest. Have they seen the lame show where cats do stupid things like walk across tight ropes. And these aren’t just any cats. These cats were rescued from shelters and taught to do tricks, so everyone go rescue a cat from a shelter.

Anyway, my point is that most of the animals in SeaWorld are pretty pampered. True, they are exploited for entertainment value by a matter of degree. However, this exploitation is minimal. Imagine what SeaWorld could be in a world without PETA. Has anyone ever seen killer whales toss penguins 30 feet into the air before eating them. I would pay a lot more to see a bunch of penguins dropped into Shamu’s tank than I would to see a bunch of overweight tourists get soaked.

Also, replacing real animals with virtual reality seems a little hypocritical to me. Why is it that PETA is so adamant that I experience the dirty reality of a slaughterhouse, but SeaWorld’s desire that I experience the reality of marine life is criminal? If PETA does get its way and manages to buy SeaWorld, I presume we have at least one last hope to see Shamu in action. We can cross our fingers that a network like Fox can manage to steal Shamu from PETA’s sanctuary and create a new reality TV series: Shamu vs. Wild.

You are probably thinking that the possibility of PETA buying SeaWorld is plenty of content for one blog post, but there is more. Apparently PETA is trying to get the British army to stop using bearskin for the hats worn by the guards at Buckinham Palace. Read here for more. Where PETA’s stance on this issue is predictably lame, I find the origin of these hats far more interesting. Apparently they are symbols of mockery towards the French. Apparently during the Battle of Waterloo, the French thought wearing these hats would psychologically disable their enemies with fear. I’m sorry, but that is so French. Instead of trying to win a battle by killing more of your opponent than they kill of you, the French try to win a battle by wearing funny hats. Anyway this got me thinking about how we can use more animals in the military. I know that if it wasn’t for the massive industry of turning pigs into glycerine for munitions, we probably would have lost WWII. I also know that we have genetically engineered dogs to smell explosives. There are also dolphins who have been trained to detect mines. Whoa… sorry. I forgot we are talking about PETA and the bearskin hats. It turns out, they want to replace this iconic piece of headwear with a synthetic substitute. I thought the dictionary’s definition for “synthetic” is “made from oil.” If this perfectly sound assumption is correct, then apparently PETA would rather substitute real bearskin with an oil byproduct thus accelerating global warming and solidifying the extinction of at least polar bears and possibly other animals. Great idea. In fact, it seems that PETA’s answer to everything is to replace reality with synthetics and virtual reality. Well, then PETA can figure out a way to turn the dog crap on my lawn into virtual reality dog crap. Or maybe they can replace the woodpecker that pecked a hole through my restaurant’s wall with a synthetic woodpecker. Or, better yet, maybe we can replace PETA with an army of animatronic robots, becuase PETA and reality don’t mix.